It’s quite simple, really. Mitt Romney has to win because he’s the better looking of the bunch, and Americans, of all people, have their priorities straight.
The votes he will lose for being the slick, manufactured, flip-flopping, too-liberal-for-hardcore-conservatives politician he will then recover for being…well, pretty.
Even if we could endure reading the fine print and hearing every speech—which reminds me of Tim Robbins crawling through half a mile of excrement to escape from prison in the “Shawshank Redemption”—and understand what we read or hear, once they’ve got you, politicians and insurance companies will show their true colors and do whatever they want, despite what they promised, simply because they can. So forget the issues.
This is why looks are so important in business and politics as in all areas of life. Looks don’t lie.
Republicans are desperate for a messiah to deliver them from President Obama and save the U.S. from becoming something truly deplorable—just another country and not the greatest country in the world.
The U.S. is going down in flames, and Obama is to blame. Yes, he is that powerful. One man has undone centuries of greatness. He must be a messiah of some kind…. But let’s get back to the savior that will replace him.
Who among the candidates could rescue us from the evil liberals ruining this country? How will voters recognize this supernatural creature with superpowers capable of restoring the U.S. to its former glory? How and who will they choose?
They won’t choose Ron Paul. He cannot and will not win. Why? Because he’s too short and too small and too soft spoken to be president. Period. End of story. The U.S. cannot have a president that does not look presidential. Imagine him standing next to other world leaders for those photo ops that cost millions of dollars and accomplish absolutely nothing. Visualize it. Need I say more? Next!
They won’t choose Michelle Bachmann. Why? Because she has a single facial expression for all occasions and because she sounds like an entry-level call center rep reading from a script. Bachmann is too fixated on saying whatever she thinks will get her elected—repeating lines of campaign jargon probably lifted from a How To Get Elected 101 college course at debates and interviews regardless of topics or questions asked. The result? Dumb and dull. We’re at risk of becoming just another country and lose our “Envy of all Nations” title, and an entry-level, robotic president won’t save the day. Mrs. Bachmann needs to cut down on the Botox. Next!
So Newt Gingrich is supposed to be the smartest one up there. We don’t know that for sure because we can’t see his smartness. However, what we can see is his freakishly big head. This is one time that Newt’s wits might work against him, if indeed IQ and head size go together. If only he could be as blunt about the size of his head as he is about the mainstream media’s coverage of the campaign. I’m sure you’ll agree that’s highly unlikely. Next!
Like Romney, Rick Santorum is a good-looking man. But unlike Romney, Santorum has a prominent feature that gets in the way, literally. How can we possibly hear anything the man says when his crooked nose commands more attention than his words? Enough said. Next!
John Huntsman. Who? The guy with the three naughty daughters making campaign videos without his consent. Oh, that guy. Yes, that guy. Next!
Let’s face it: Herman Cain looks good for his age. But, apparently, allegedly, reportedly, he looks a bit too good to some of the ladies, especially those not wanting to have anything to do with him. Like John Edwards before him, Cain is yet another reminder that looks can be a double edged sword. He dropped out of the race Dec. 3 amid allegations of sexual harassment and an extramarital affair. Sorry Cain. Next!
Rick Perry is the wild card of the group and not only because he’s a wild cowboy. Perry has a powerful weapon, and I’m not talking about his guns back in Texas. His looks are ordinary, but he has an extraordinary feature that takes him from average to attractive: a charming smile. That smile could persuade voters to like his face, and if they like the face, they like the man, and if they like the man, they’ll vote for him. But Perry would have to get past the “pit bull” image he acquired after barking at Romney during a debate over the hiring of illegal aliens. He would also have to get past the “dunce” sign that appeared on his forehead when he forgot the name of the third government agency he would eliminate if he became president during yet another debate, and later when he reminded a group of students turning 21 (voting age is 18) to vote on the Nov 12 elections (Election Day falls on Nov 6 next year). And let’s not forget the “crazy” label bestowed upon him when a video of Perry giving a speech seemingly drunk or high went viral. But all he has to do is keep smiling, and if Newt neglects to be blunt about his head, Perry will have a shot, no pun intended.
Mitt is taller and louder than Paul. He has more than one facial expression and more than one script, unlike Bachmann. His head is in proportion to his body and not freakish like Newt’s. His nose is relatively straight, so when he speaks, we hear what he says. He’s still in the race and won’t be dropping out because of a sexual scandal. Huntsman? Who? He’s better looking than Perry, although Perry’s smile represents a real threat to the Romney campaign, and as attractive as Obama.
Keep in mind that, although you don’t know this, I predicted Obama would not win unless someone did something about his Michelle’s face. Those thick, black, arched-to-the-moon eyebrows that made her look like an evil witch in every photo were going to cost him the election. Someone in that campaign must have heard my thoughts because soon enough Michelle showed up with thinner, lighter, less pointy eyebrows. The result? Obama won. See?
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