PERFECTING THE ART OF VOTING AGAINST

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When confused about a decision, we're often asked what it is that we want. Well, if we knew that, we wouldn't be confused now, would we? Sure, sometimes all it takes is tuning into the soft voice within, but if you've ever been undecided about something, you know that rarely works. The world is too loud.


So stop. Stop trying to figure out what you want and start working on what you don't want. You may not get what you want, but at least you'll stand a better chance at not getting what you don't want.  

That's my oracular advice to you if you're among the many disenchanted souls wandering in the valley of the politically stumped. If, unlike deliriously optimistic, blissfully deluded individuals who can tell a savior from a demon you cannot imagine voting for any of the candidates vying for the coveted title of President of the U.S. of A. (we'll focus on the primaries until the general election), but you also do not want to forgo your right to vote, then you're left with only one choice: voting against one of them.  


Now, chances are your vote against options are more tempting than you vote for alternatives. Wait, don't freak out. This type of confusion is much more easily tackled than the other kind. All you need is a bit of help deciding what you don't want the most so that you know how to cast your against vote next year. For that mighty high purpose I've compiled five easy steps or exercises you can follow to hone you voting against skills. And in case you're wondering, I'm qualified to offer this advice because I have built a life on what I don't want, but that's another story...


1 - Get a large color poster of each of the candidates you're considering voting against, put them on a wall somewhere practical, and stare at each of them several times a day. Notice the thoughts and feelings that arise when you look at each of the candidates. (If you have a heart rate monitor, I recommend you use it for this exercise). Whose face angers you the most? The least? Who makes you swear like a sailor? Who gives you palpitations or raises your blood pressure? Who gives you acid reflux or colitis?  Who just gives you mild indigestion or chest pains? Who could inspire you to commit acts of violence that are beyond your character? If you could punch or slap only one of them, who would it be? 

Poster of Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry

2 - Use the posters as dartboards. Stand 8 ft to 10 ft away from the wall and throw darts, rotten food, big wads of chewing gum or giant spitballs at the posters, aiming at the face of the candidates, specifically the space between the eyes or bullseye. Children can help with the gum and spitballs, so you could turn this into a family event and spend quality time with your kids. Before throwing the darts, focus on the facial expression of each candidate and anything you've heard him/her say that pisses you off. Use the following point value to keep score: five points for the bullseye, four for the nose, three for the forehead, two for anywhere else on the face or head, one for the neck, and zero if you miss the head or neck.

Political pundits Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert

3 - Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. Pay close attention to what you see and hear in the media, especially to what political pundits and celebrities (actors, comedians, singers, etc.) say about the candidates. They know what they're talking about. That's why they're on TV. So trust them. Listen to the people around you, too--relatives, coworkers, friends, especially those you have never met or seen outside Facebook. I would add neighbors to the preceding list, but with Walmart, Walgreens and other retail chains open 24/7, who needs to borrow a cup of milk or sugar anymore? Neighbors are useless, good only for addictive "-ville" games on Facebook. Anyway, I digress. 

"When I'm president...," says Republican
presidential candidate Michele Bachmann

4 - Give extra vote-against points to candidates who continually say "when I'm president" during interviews or debates, and deduct vote-against points from those who never or rarely make this statement. Anyone who thinks that saying "when I'm president" every chance he or she gets will alter the fabric of space and time to manifest that outcome doesn't need votes to win and, therefore, is a perfect candidate for votes against.


5 - Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, take deep breaths, and picture the U.S. with each of the GOP candidates at the helm. Imagine him or her on the cover of newspapers and magazines, walking in and out of the White House, waving at crowds, speaking at press conferences, the State of the Union, posing for photo-ops with fellow world leaders, shaking hands with U.S. enemies, playing golf, growing gray hair at an alarmingly accelerated rate, making laws, breaking laws, pardoning turkeys, and all things presidential. 

Meditation posture for Step 5

Use music if it helps you relax and visualize anything that isn't likely to become true. Again take note of what your body and mind do. Visceral reactions are particularly important and helpful here. You can safely assume that whichever candidate produces more nausea or flatulence in you is likely to be your best choice to vote against, especially if that candidate stood out in the other exercises.


Compile the data from all five steps, and you will discover that one of the candidates makes you angrier, meaner, sicker and crazier than the others, while another one disturbs you the least, relatively speaking. Contemplating the possibility that the first candidate could win the elections leaves you panic-stricken, while speculation of the second candidate winning just makes you anxious and depressed. The first one is the one you will vote against by voting for the second one. 


And that's democracy with a twist. May the force be with you.
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