William Shatner channels Sarah Palin at Conan's

Funny man and Tonigh Show host Conan O'Brien (NBC photo)

Last night, Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien shared with us a revelation he had about the farewell "speech" (if you can call it that) former Gov. Sarah Palin delivered Sunday: it was meant to be a poem, he said. Ohhh...

In a fit of genius, he brought actor and master narrator William Shatner to illustrate the epiphany and perform a poetic interpretation of the infamous "speech."

Republicans will most likely disagree, but putting aside political views, when we look at Palin's speeches what we see is someone who can't speak coherently--regardless of topic, setting, time of day or astrological aspects.

She couldn't communicate effectively during the presidential campaign debates. She couldn't do interviews without chewing on a foot. She couldn't say much at press conferences without coming across as a bumbling asshole. Sorry friends, but she just can't speak.

After the disastrous stream-of-consciousness she vomited earlier this month when announcing she was quitting (story here), how could she be allowed near a microphone again? Didn't she and her aids watch a replay of the July 3 babble? How could there be an expectation of her delivering anything but yet another incoherent, self-indulgent, absurd "speech"?

She would've been better off stepping down quietly and with some dignity, if you ask me. But opting for doing that would require common sense, which apparently Palin and those advising her (if that's even possible) lack.

Instead, she eagerly went ahead and made a fool of herself with an impossible to follow "speech" full of disconnected tangents and ornamented language that even herself couldn't possibly understand. (Could she?) And once again the public was left wondering what the heck she was trying to say.

Her decision to not keep her mouth shut further tarnished her image, if you ask me. In yet another attempt to martyrize herself by blaming her resignation on the media and those launching ethics attacks on her (where there's smoke, there's fire...), she confirmed that pointing fingers is what she does best.

So here are Conan and Shatner doing what they do best--making us laugh instead of pulling our hair out. UPDATE: NBC just pulled the YouTube video because it wants you to see it--and the ads--on its website. I've embedded the one on NBC's website below. If it doesn't work, go here.



And here is the original text in Palin's "speech":

"And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn't it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins. It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future. That is what we get to see every day. Now what the rest of America gets to see along with us is in this last frontier there is hope and opportunity and there is country pride."

And all I have to say about that is, WTF?!

For the full 2300-word transcript, click here -- if you have the stomach for it.

Copyright © 2009, Primetime Oracle
All Rights Reserved

Deconstructing Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation

Crowds turn out for Gov. Sarah Palin, but ethics complaints, political difficulties and a family that became tabloid targets have taken a toll, friends say. (Jim Wilson/The New York Times)

When Sarah Palin announced she was resigning as governor of Alaska, I had a lot of fun at her expense because of the wacky speech she gave that day and because, well, you know, it's her. (See Bubbly Palin quits Alaska via incoherent speech, posted July 3.)

As the fog clears, intelligible information about what led to her resignation has emerged (thank god!). The following New York Times article, in my opinion, does an excellent job at explaining what Palin failed to explain when she made the surprising announcement.

Palin's Route to Resignation: Missteps and Ignored Advice

By Jim Rutenberg and Serge F. Kovaleski
Published: July 12, 2009

This article was reported by Jim Rutenberg from New York and Serge F. Kovaleski from Wasilla and Anchorage, Alaska. Jo Becker reported from New York and Kim Severson and William Yardley from Wasilla and Anchorage.

ANCHORAGE — In late March, a senior official from the Republican Governors Association headed for Alaska on a secret mission. Sarah Palin was beset by such political and personal turmoil that some powerful supporters determined an intervention was needed to pull her governorship, and her national future, back from the brink.

The official, the association’s executive director, Nick Ayers, arrived with a memorandum containing firm counsel, according to several people who know its details: Make a long-term schedule and stick to it, have staff members set aside ample and inviolable family time to replenish your spirits, and build a coherent home-state agenda that creates jobs and ensures re-election.

Like so much of the advice sent Ms. Palin’s way by influential supporters, it appeared to be happily received and then largely discarded, barely slowing what was, in retrospect, an inexorable march toward the resignation she announced 10 days ago.

Ms. Palin had returned to her home state from the presidential campaign as one of the hopeful prospects in her struggling party, even if she had much to prove to her detractors. Standing before the Legislature in January, she vowed to retake her office with “optimism and collaboration and hard work to get the job done.”

But interviews in Alaska and in Washington show that a seemingly relentless string of professional and personal troubles quickly put that goal out of reach.

Almost as soon as she returned home, the once-popular governor was isolated from an increasingly critical Legislature. Lawmakers who had supported her signature effort to develop a natural gas pipeline turned into uncooperative critics.

Ethics complaints mounted, and legal bills followed. At home Ms. Palin was dealing with a teenage daughter who had given birth to a son and broken up with the infant’s father, a baby of her own with special needs and a national news media that was eager to cover it all.

Friends worried that she appeared anxious and underweight. Her hair had thinned to the point where she needed emergency help from her hairdresser and close friend, Jessica Steele.

“Honestly, I think all of it just broke her heart,” Ms. Steele said in an interview at her beauty parlor in Wasilla, the Beehive.

Yet to the dismay of some advisers, Ms. Palin dived into the fray, seeming to relish the tabloid-ready fights that consumed her as the work of the state at times went undone....

To read the rest of this article go to Palin's Route to Resignation: Missteps and Ignored Advice, published by The New York Time on July 12.

Bubbly Palin quits Alaska via incoherent speech

Delivering the craziest--no kidding--speech I've ever heard any politician make, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced today she's resigning from office at the end of the month, giving as a reason nothing anyone could understand.

"Only dead fish go with the flow," Palin said.

WTF?

News anchors were at a loss, and journalists everywhere were frantically rewinding the tape over and over trying to figure out what the heck she said during a flash press conference unlike anything I've ever seen.

One CNN anchor said she seemed unprepared for her speech and questioned why given the significance of the occasion--resigning to a governor post--Palin didn't prepare a better speech.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference in the backyard of her lakefront home in Wasilla, Alaska, Palin said she loves Alaska and her job but did not give a reasonable explanation--that I could detect anywhere there in her speedy, disjointed speech--as to why she's stepping down, other than she hates the current administration and refuses to work with it.

She also didn't reveal what her plans are as non-governor, other than to say she can better serve Alaska off the helm...whatever that means.

She told many anecdotes that did nothing to help clarify any of her points. She jumped from one topic to another at light speed, using basketball and animal analogies, giving explanations without stating what she was explaining...OMG, it was nuts!

Listening to that was worse than sitting on first row heading down a 200-foot drop at a 90-degree angle on a roller coaster without a safety bar or seatbelt. Fuck! How much coffee does she drink? If I had to listen to that woman talk every day, I swear to god I would kill myself.

If I had to see the smirk on Palin's face on a daily basis, I would kill myself.

OK, just for fun I will try to write this post emulating her freakish ADD-ish speaking style without going off topic. But without going off topic I couldn't possibly do a written representation of that speech. That means all I can do is be as disorganized as possible while still communicating the intended message so that this post makes sense to you reading it. But then, I would be making a point, and if I do that, then I'm not copying her style.

I love trees and sunsets. There's nothing better than clear air and water.

Before the press conference, there was speculation that Palin would announce she would not run for re-election in 2012; no one expected her to quit.

Palin is resigning because millions of dollars and time are being wasted and will continue to be wasted if she continues to be Alaska's governor in the "current political environment."

"I cannot stand here as your governor and allow the millions of dollars and all that time go to waste just so I can hold the title of governor," she said, referring to the alleged impact of multiple ethics complaints against her, most of which have been dismissed.

I'm not saying that to sound like a champion of the environment, I just happen to love nature. I'm a tree-hugger--literally--but I'm not an environmentalist. Does that make sense?

She said something about being willing to work with people who respect the Constitution and not with a" government that has taken over."

Alrighty then, it's Obama's fault.

Ever noticed how Egyptians painted people as facing forward from the waist up and sideways from the waist down?

Sarah Palin hugs Alaska Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell after she announcing she would be stepping down as governor. (Robert DeBerry)

Palin said she has accomplished all she could as governor and would, therefore, pass on the baton to the lieutenant governor, whatever his name is, stressing resigning is what's best for the state.

"People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing is as important to me than the state of Alaska," she said.

"I promised four years ago that I would be showing my independence and there would be no more conventional politics as usual...." And your point is...what? Is Palin showing how independent she is by quitting midterm?

The maverick is gonna show them how it's done.

The left side of my lap top's keyboard heats up, burning the underside of my left wrist. I need to get something to put on that surface, something made of rubber or cloth, but it would have to have an adhesive on the bottom so it won't slide as I type. I think I'm hungry.

At some point in there, between breaths, Palin bragged about her success as governor (which must be why she's quitting, because she was so successful), listing project after project she spearheaded. Then she went on and on about Alaska's resources.

"God gives us energy...oil...gas...petroleum," something about the natural gas pipe, pizza, tacos.

In other words, since the democrats won't allow drilling in Alaska, Palin is taking off.

If there was a way to travel to the center of the Earth, I would go even if there was a 99% chance I would not be returning--same with outer space. I love the 1959 film "Journey to the Center of the Earth." The young man said he wasn't having dinner that night because it was Tuesday. I'll never forget the giant mushrooms halfway between the planet's surface and its core.

Palin made no pauses between her sub-topics or points she was trying to (was she?) make during the motormouth speech. She also smirked throughout--as usual. I hate that. I can't tell you how much I hate that.

Right: Sarah Palin at the news conference on Friday afternoon. (Robert DeBerry/The Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman via AP)

She complained about the media not reporting "the good stuff."

Alrighty then--it's the media's fault.

Palin said her life changed on Aug 29 last year when Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz, chose her as running mate in a highly contested race to the White House, a race they lost. She pointed out that a lot of resources have been spent to weather numerous media and political attacks since then, and that it has been a waste of "precious" time and funds.

"It isn't fair to Alaskans," she said.

When I was a kid, I loved precious stones. As a matter of fact, my first career choice was geologist. I was always looking for these stones--around my house, in school...--expecting to find an amethyst or emerald somewhere. What a dunce.

"I choose for my state and for my family more freedom to progress...not from the governor's desk...[now she talked about laying ducks]...I'm not going to put Alaska through that...I'm determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it's not in the most conventional or comfortable way...," Palin added to whatever she said before, then she talked about fish before going back to ducks.
.
"Many just accept that lame duck status, and they hit that road. They draw a paycheck. They kind of milk it. And I'm not going to put Alaskans through that," she said.

My friend Walter is crazy about ducks, loves to feed them.

The 45-year-old mother of five children said her family weighed heavily in her decision.

"I polled the most important people in my life, my kids, where the count was unanimous," she said. "Well, in response to asking, 'Hey, you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children's future from outside the governor's office?' It was four yeses and one 'Hell, yeah!" And the 'Hell, yeah' sealed it."

Ugh.

"We just gotta put first things first...I love my job and I love Alaska, and I'm doing what is best for Alaska," she said again. "There's no more politics as usual."

You know what I think? I thing Palin was happy to be governor while there was a Republican in the White House but not with a Democrats there.

It's her way, or now way.

Palin is dumping the state she says she loves claiming it's best for the people while at the same time elevating herself to some higher plane. If you're so great, why aren't you what is best for the state?

Pinocchio politics.

Word is she's working on one or more book deals and more lucrative projects, and governing just gets in the way, especially given the puny $125,000 a year salary. There's also speculation that Palin plans to run for president on 2012. Don't Republicans look down on quitters?

If you ask me, Palin is playing the martyr, encouraging her fans to hate Obama more than ever for "making our beloved governor quit."

Um...nobody made her do it.

OMG, David Letterman! Letterman made her do it!

Copyright © 2009, Primetime Oracle
All Rights Reserved

Queenie forgives Lord Dave...Ugh

She's so kunty. (Sorry, but when it comes to this woman, I can barely contain myself.)

Alaska Gov. and president-wanna-be Sarah Palin said Monday night she has accepted late-night TV host David Letterman's apology over a sexually charged joke about her teenage daughter, Reuters reported.

"Of course it's accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who 'joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve," Palin said in a statement late on Monday night.

On behalf of young women, like my daughters? What makes her think that she's entitled to speak for all women? What makes her think all young women are like her daughters?

On behalf of...who hope men who joke about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve? Where did she get the idea that young women give a fuck about this? They're "hoping" for iPhones, designer handbags and anorexic bodies, not for men who joke a certain way to evolve. WTF?

Why, oh, why is this woman so outrageously presumptuous? Arg.

"Letterman certainly has the right to 'joke' about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction," she said, adding (of course) that "this is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's Right to Free Speech--in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect."

Can someone please explain to me how 4,650 Americans dying in Iraq and 31,327 wounded (as of June 13) have anything to do with our constitutional right to free speech?

Did or didn't we know she had ulterior motives when she picked a fight with Dave?

Ugh!

For background on this story see check out Letterman seriously sorry for 'bad' Palin joke

Now, can we please get back to a world without Palin?

Source: Reuters, My Twisted Mind
Copyright © 2009

Letterman seriously sorry for 'bad' Palin joke

Late night talk-show host David Letterman. CBS photo

If Sarah Palin had a penis (as she secretly wishes), she would be feeling several inches longer today.

The maverick-wanna-be governor of Alaska has always struck me as somebody who thinks a bit too highly of herself, and bringing David Letterman to his knees can only feed that narcissism, if you ask me.

Sorry, I call it like I see it, and I saw more of Palin I would want to see in a lifetime during the presidential campaign and multiple debates last year. My mind's made up.

After a week of controversy over a joke he made in his show about one of Palin's daughters getting "knocked up" by a baseball player, Letterman said Monday it was a lousy joke, no matter how you cut it, and that he's sorry--for real.

Still, the late-night host insisted that what upset some people was the misconception over which of Palin's daughter the joke was about. He explained that the risque joke thought by some to have targeted Palin's underage daughter, Willow, was actually referring to 18-year-old daughter Bristol.

By the way, what's up with those names? The first one seems taken from a Lord of the Rings-like saga or Fleetwood Mac song, while the second one calls forth visions of a pink Pepto Bismol bottle or Bristol-Myers Squibb pills. Sorry my friends, but that's what these names do to me.

Letterman told viewers that it was "a coarse joke...a bad joke," noting, however, that he never thought it was about anybody other than the older daughter, "and before the show, I checked to make sure, in fact, that she is of legal age, 18."

What irks me about this situation is that it was Palin who assigned the joke to her younger daughter, not Letterman. She was the one who perverted the joke, wasn't she?

Clearly, the joke was about the older daughter, who got pregnant at 17 and had a baby. I can't help but think that Palin conveniently interpreted the joke to be about 14-year-old Willow just to use it as a springboard to make a big and calculated stink about jokes too liberal for her taste and, in her opinion, bad for American values.

Sarah Palin charged Letterman with "sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity." And Todd Palin issued a statement last week that said "any 'jokes' about raping my 14-year-old are despicable."

Please tell me that people can see thought this bullshit. This right-wing ass--yes, IMO she proved she's an ass during her race to the White House--simply wants to get the liberal Letterman out of the way.

She couldn't win against Obama, so she's taking on a talk-show host. Lame.

Letterman said Monday: "I'm wondering, 'Well, what can I do to help people understand that I would never make a joke like this?' I've never made jokes like this, as long as we've been on the air, 30 long years."

If the joke had been aimed at a 14-year-old, "I would be upset myself," he added.

"It doesn't make any difference what my intent was, it's the perception," the late-night veteran told his audience. "And, as they say about jokes, if you have to explain the joke, it's not a very good joke...I take full blame for that. I told a bad joke. I told a joke that was beyond flawed, and my intent is completely meaningless compared to the perception. And since it was a joke I told, I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having told that joke. It's not your fault that it was misunderstood, it's my fault."

Uh...no Dave, it was her fault. Correct me if I'm wrong, was she or was she not the one who brought the younger daughter into the equation?

"So I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also to the governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I'm sorry about it, and I'll try to do better in the future," he concluded.

Meanwhile, inspired by Palin, a conservative group is demanding CBS fire Letterman. Are you fucking kidding me?

*sigh*

Here's the thing: if the joke targeted my daughter, I wouldn't find it funny, so I can understand her indignation from that point of view. However, (a) I haven't chosen a public life, while she has pursued one relentlessly, (b) I don't have a daughter, so I can't truly relate, and (c) I don't care what she says, what I see is not a woman speaking from the point of view of a concerned mother but a politician hoping for a second change.

Source: The Associated Press, CNN, E! Online, US magazine
Copyright © 2009

FLASH NEWS - Swine flu, Palin-Letterman war, neo-nazi gunman, flight 447, MySpace jobs

WHO Declares 'Moderate' Swine Flu Pandemic

The World Health Organization raised its pandemic flu alert to phase 6, its highest level, urging countries to shore up defenses against the swine flu virus.

"At this time, the global assessment is that we are seeing a moderate pandemic," WHO Director-General Dr. Margaret Chan told reporters on a teleconference.

The move to phase 6 reflects the fact that the disease, widely known as swine flu, is spreading geographically, but does not indicate how virulent it is, Reuters reported.

A unanimous decision was based on an overall assessment in the eight most heavily hit countries--Australia, Britain, Canada, Chile, Japan, Mexico, Spain and the U.S.--where the virus is spreading in a sustained way in communities.

"Moving to pandemic phase six level does not imply we will see an increase in the number of deaths or very severe cases," she noted. "Quite on the contrary. Many people are having mild disease, they recover without medicines in some cases and it is good news," she said.

The WHO reiterated its advice to its 193 member countries not to close borders or impose travel restrictions to halt the movement of people, goods and services.

Neo-Nazi Gunman Charged with Murder

Authorities are charging an 88-year-old white supremacist with first-degree murder in the shooting death of a guard at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial and Museum Wednesday.

A complaint filed in U.S. District Court in Washington Thursday accuses James W. Von Brunn of the premeditated murder of Security Guard Stephen T. Johns, AP reported.

Right: At a news conference Thursday, D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier says James von Brunn will be charged with murder. (CNN photo)

A ranking FBI official said authorities also are pursuing a hate crime charge against the racist dirtbag.

An affidavit filed in court said officers recovered a notebook from Von Brunn's car that had handwritten notations signed by James W. Von Brunn stating the following:

“You want my weapons--this is how you’ll get them. The Holocaust is a lie. Obama was created by Jews. Obama does what his Jew owners tell him to do. Jews captured America’s money. Jews control the mass media. The 1st Amendment is abrogated--henceforth. See: holywesternempire.org. JVB swore (LT USNR) to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Jews–Bolsheviks–Zionist are America’s enemies. See: Talmud–Sanhedrin 'Kill the Best Gentiles!'”

Palin and Letterman Fight Over Jokes

The tiff began on Monday night's "Late Show," when Letterman joked that during the 7th inning of the Yankees game, Palin's "daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." Letterman followed up with more barbs on Tuesday, joking that "the toughest part of Palin's visit was keeping Eliot Spitzer away from her daughter," Extra reported.

On Wednesday morning, Gov. Palin unloaded and said Letterman's jokes about her daughter were "disgusting" and "sexually perverted." Palin has three daughters; teen mom Bristol, 18, and Willow 14, and Piper, 8.

On Wednesday, Dave announced on his show that his jokes on the Palin family were "unpleasant" and "ugly" and said he would love to have the Governor as a guest on "Late Night."

"These are not jokes made about her 14-year-old daughter. I would never, never make jokes about raping or having sex of any description with a 14-year-old girl," he said.

Left: Sarah Palin and David Letterman (Getty Images/Extra composite photo)

"Maybe these are questionable because the girl who actually, excuse me, but was knocked up is now 18 years old. So, the difference there is 14-year-old and of legal age--okay, I can't really defend the joke. I agree. Unpleasant. Ugly."

Dave said Gov. Palin is a "lovely woman" and he would love to have her on the show.

The Palins released a statement in response: "The Palins have no intention of providing a ratings boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show. Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman."

"Laughter incited by sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/N.Y. entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands--that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others," Palin added.

Flight 447 "Survivor" Killed in Car Crash

An Italian woman who missed Air France Flight 447, which crashed in the Atlantic on May 31, has died in a car crash, several news sources reported

Johanna Ganthaler, a pensioner from Bolzano-Bozen province who had been vacationing in Brazil, died when a car she was riding in "veered across a road in Kufstein, Austria, and swerved into an oncoming truck. Her husband was seriously injured."

All 228 people aboard died after the plane crashed into the Atlantic four hours into its 11-hour flight from Rio de Janeiro to Paris.

MySpace Running out of Space for Jobs

MySpace is about to hand pink slips to some 300 to 500 employees, multiple sources close to the company told TechCrunch.com.

It’s unclear if these numbers apply to MySpace alone or its parent company Fox Interactive Media, but MySpace makes up around 1600 of the 2900 employees in FIM, so it’s likely that the social network will be hit hard, TechCrunch reported.

Last summer MySpace laid off 5% of its staff, and as many as 45 employees were let go last month. These cuts go far deeper. We’ve heard that the company’s legal team is hammering out the paperwork that will need to be submitted to the state of California under the WARN act, which requires large companies to give advance notice of any major layoffs, TechCrunch reported. We’ve contacted the California Employment Development Department, which has yet to receive the filing, but we hear they should be getting it any day now.

A FIM spokesperson replied with the following statement:

“Like any company with new leadership, Fox Interactive Media is reviewing every aspect of our operations, performance and structure. It’s no secret that we are looking for ways to improve our products, increase the value of our digital assets, and enhance the overall financial strength of the company.”

Why the cuts? MySpace traffic is plummeting, and revenue is going to take a huge hit when the Google deal terminates in mid 2010. MySpace already has an uphill battle on its hands as it vies to compete with Facebook, and it’s no longer going to have that very lucrative revenue stream to lean on, TechCrunch reported.

Sources: Reuters, AP, Extra, US mag., BBC, BNO, TechCrunch.com
Copyright © 2009