Heidi wasn't tortured on TV show--we were

Photo: No fucking comment

After many fake departures, Heidi and Spencer Pratt--a.k.a. Speidi--finally left the I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! reality TV show Monday night, this time not because the devil made them do it but because of illness.

Heidi left the Costa Rican jungle Saturday when she was hospitalized for a gastric ulcer after spending 14 hours in the "Lost Chamber," a room full of spiders to which the couple was sentenced as part of their punishment for quitting the show last week. At the hospital, Speidi decided to finally declare defeat in the competition, meaning their cast mates would not get to vote on whether or not the couple could stay.

The IQ-impaired pair left the show last week but later reconsidered, claiming the devil made them quit.

They did, too! Check out the June 4 story "The Devil Made Us Do It!"

They returned to the island with a new found faith in God, telling stories about vomiting out the devil's influence.

I swear to god I'm not making this up.

Speidi might be gone, but the couple will be represented by Heidi's sister, Holly Montag, who reportedly joins the cast Wednesday.

Meanwhile, as if news of vomiting the devil didn't generate enough publicity, Heidi's rep confirmed told US magazine Monday that she wasn't tortured on the set of the show.

Tortured? WTF?

"There have been many reports that surfaced over the weekend regarding Spencer and Heidi Pratt. Many of these reports are false and inaccurate, including any reports of 'torture' on the show," the rep said.

Well, I must be out of the loop cuz I didn't see anything about Heidi being tortured...but, then again, I normally pay not attention to the Pratts. I just couldn't resist the devil thing--it was impossible to ignore.

Apparently, it was Spencer's sister, Stephanie, who brought up the issue of torture on an update she posted on Twitter: "I'm really saddened to hear that NBC felt it was OK to punish Speidi [she, too, calls them Speidi!] so harshly and torture them as if they were criminals--that Heidi was...rushed to the hospital and has an IV in her arm after being locked in a dark room for 3 days with no food or water. Pls pray she will be OK."

From that to reports of torture is a leap. But things tend to leap in the jungle...

In any case, it would be difficult to come up with crazy shit like this without some sort of divine inspiration, so perhaps god was involved after all. I pray that the folks at Saturday Night Live will know what to do.

Sources: US magazine, Ledger-Enquirer.com, My Twisted Mind
Copyright © 2009

The beginning of the end for Jon & Kate Plus 8

Jon and Kate Gosselin celebrate their 100th episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 on TLC.

All I'm going to say about the Gosselins is that it's over. The show it's over.

That's what happens when you try to have your cake and eat it too.

Their hit TV show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, has brought them fame and fortune, but it has also changed their lives.The once-normal, everyday couple from next door coping with the extraordinary circumstances stemming from raising a set of twins and sextuplets is now as far from "everyday" as it gets, more than 100 episodes farther.

But that alone wouldn't have been enough to derail the gravy train. They got themselves a scandal.

That's what's happening in the U.S.--you're nobody or next-to-nobody unless you're on television, and once there, you're not a true star until something nasty about you can be reported and milked for all it's worth by the media and the insatiable-for-trash public.

All you need is one thing--one word, one act, one photo--that the self-righteous majority finds reprehensible to end up on the cover of every pop culture magazine, in every entertainment news show, and the subject of daily water-cooler discussions, and you've made it. If genitals are involved, even better.

So finally, after all these years, you've made it to the pinnacle of your TV career. But now everyone...well, not everyone...but a bunch of people who once "loved" you and those who knew nothing about you until the shit hit the fan now hate you.

They'll watch a few episodes of your show, maybe even the whole season, to get a glimpse of the train wreck that is now your life. And rather than feeling envious of you and your vacations, they will cherish their new found power as moral judges. And, soon enough, they will drop you.

I don't mean to be negative. It's just the way it usually goes.

The good ratings-turned-to-awesome-ratings-post-scandal will go down the drain, the show will be canceled, and other than a yearly picture to see how much the kids have grown, no one will buy a magazine or tune into any show to see you.

And that's all I'm gonna say.

Sources: My Twisted Mind, TLC photo
Copyright © 2009

Speidi: "The devil made us do it!"

It's official. Speidi is back.

After a number of conflicting reports surfaced in the media, it's official that celebrity wanna-be's Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are returning to the jungle in Costa Rica to complete their run on NBC's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

The married couple had already tried to quit the NBC reality show twice, and went as far as planting decoys at the Los Angeles International Airport to give the illusion that they had returned home, Ryan Seacrest said in his website Thursday.

Planting decoys? Ugh...

Life in the jungle is really getting to Spencer.

In a deleted scene from Monday's show, he went off (again) on comedian Angela Shelton and pro-wrestler Torrie Wilson for (get this) defacing a bottle of wife Heidi's shampoo, US magazine reported.

"Why would you do that? How dare your disrespect my wife's possessions like that," screamed Spencer, who is rumored to be working on a shampoo line.

“This is a billion dollar brand!" he went on. "I want a billion dollars from them! I want a $100 million for the label and a billion for the branding!"

“As soon as we get some paper and a pen, we can write something down," said a fellow cast member.

"IOUs! I just want an IOU...on paper, or on a tree! Spencer yelled back."

The Pratts, who quit the show after Monday's show, apologized for leaving Wednesday night.

"The devil got to us and said, 'Get out of the jungle'," Heidi explained. "[But] it's not even about us. It's about the charity, and it's about the experience here, and we really took that for granted."

Thursday night the remaining cast members will vote on whether the Pratts should stay, US reported.

Their childish antics will not go without consequences, according to Paul Telegdy, NBC's executive vice president of alternative programming. In an exclusive statement to Ryan Seacrest, Telegdy explained how Speidi will be dealt with back in the jungle:

"They are everything that's wrong with America...they are insincere, lazy, entitled and they claim the devil has possessed them.

They are back and this time they are contrite...yeah right. What they don't realise is that they are now going to be examined and their value system utterly deconstructed.

They are going to spend the night somewhere in isolation and guarded with lots of surprises...but not traditional reality [stunts].

These people really are going to bare their souls."

"Wow," posted Seacrest. "How do you really feel Paul? We can wait to see what he's talking about!" The show airs Monday through Thursday, 8/7c on NBC.

Can you believe these dunces are claiming the devil made them leave? In the show, Heidi is heard preaching about Jesus and Halleluyah-ing this and that while continually--I mean, nonstop--spraying who knows what on her jungle hair given the lack of hair dryers and flat irons, on which she depends for her daily bread.

I'm sorry, my friends, but I find Heidi's pseudo-religiousness repulsive.

Earlier this week, while in the show, she told the camera--with a straight face, mind you--that what's important to her is to God, Jesus, what's inside, her soul...that her goal is to be like Mother Teresa (I'm not making this up!), help people...that clothes and things and looks don't matter...

Are you fucking kidding me?

Left: Heidi in Chanel shorts and bracelet, Dior shoes and Valentino tote. Wanna guess how many thousands of dollars this "casual" outfit costs?

Then why the hell is she prancing around Hollywood in obscenely expensive designer wear, not only in an attempt to convince herself and others that she's an A-list celebrity, but to get paid by the designers for parading in front of the paparazzi in these outfits. In what shape or form does that resemble Mother Teresa?

Hey, Heidi--this is how it's done:

Copyright © 2009, Primetime Oracle
All Rights Reserved

Agency probes Jon & Kate kids for exploitation

Kate with some of her eight children (Photo courtesy of TLC)

The Pennsylvania Department of Labor is looking into whether the hit reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 is complying with child labor laws, AP reported Friday.

Uh, oh...

Labor Department spokesman Justin Fleming told AP that the department is looking into "a complaint" against the show. Based on media reports, that complaint probably was filed by Kate's brother and sister-in-law. Nice.

The TLC series follows Jon and Kate Gosselin as they raise their eight young children, including 8-year-old twins and sextuplets who just turned 5. The show drew nearly 10 million viewers for its fifth-season premiere Monday following reports of trouble in the Gosselins' marriage, AP reported.

Not surprisingly, TLC says it "fully complies" with state laws and regulations.

Word is Jon has been cheating with some teacher while Kate is out on a book tour and bonding with her body guard.

What else is new? It's the same old story: the rags-to-riches syndrome. It's all fun and games until they get the new mansion, the book deal, the killer haircut and highlights.

Here's what irks me the most about all this: it's yet another example of the cultural hypocrisy prevalent in this country. For five years the same people now complaining milked as much entertainment and mindless TV therapy from the show. But now, now that someone might be having an affair (*gasps* OMG!), now that the marriage is not a fairytale, the couple is scum and "we" must stop the "child exploitation" or "child abuse" that is shamelessly being perpetrated on the poor children.

Before the marriage went south, the show was not child exploitation and now it is. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you why: because of the self-righteousness that infects this society. Whenever cheating or affairs come into play, the self-righteous rise like zombies from their graves to point fingers. Meanwhile, these self-righteous vigilantes here to protect us from ourselves (thank you so very much) are having their own affairs, coveting and lusting after fortune and fame, committing their own sins.

They tune in while cursing the show.

Me? I can't keep my eyes off her hair.

Sources: The Associated Press
Copyright © 2009