All this fuss over a handjob

Left: David Archuleta and his dad Jeffery Achuleta attend a new release signing and fan greeting event for his self-titled album David Archuleta on Nov 11 in New York City. (Joe Corrigan/Getty Images)

Former American Idol runner-up David Archuleta's father got caught receiving "sexual gratification" at a massage parlor, news outlets reported this week.

So what? Who cares?

Well, self-righteous Americans and the justice system care.

Jeff Archuleta, 47, was charged with soliciting a massage parlor prostitute, pleaded no contest and paid a $582 fine after he was arrested Jan. 14 during a raid at a massage parlor in Midvale.

That was in January, and somehow we're now hearing about it because someone thought it's news and spread it around.

During the raid, six officers entered the parlor and "found a female masseuse and male client," Midvale Police Sgt. John Salazar said. "At that time, an interview ensued and the male client admitted to receiving sexual gratification from the masseuse."

Sexual gratification? What exactly is he talking about--a handjob, a blowjob? And what's wrong with that? Alright, alright...if he paid for it, it's prostitution, and prostitution is illegal in this country. That's a load of crap--or sperm, in this case--if you ask me.

Jeff Archuleta's lawyer Eric Bauer said his client was there getting legitimate massage therapy for his back. Uh, huh.

"Oh, I don't know what those police officers say, I mean, who knows what they say," he told New York's Daily News of police claims. (That's kinda flaky for a lawyer, isn't it?) "He did not go there for sex and that was it and pure, plain and simple that's the way it was."

WTF? Either this guy can't talk in coherent sentences or the reporter who took the quote sucks.

As part of his plea to the class B misdemeanor, Archuleta agreed to complete a counseling class.

Counseling for what--not wanting or seeking or paying for sexual gratification? Will the so-called counseling include a seminar by the Pick-up Artist on how to get it for free?

Did I mention sexual oppression and I don't get along?

The case reportedly will be dismissed when he appears in court June 30 for a review as long as he does not repeat the crime.

Right, maybe when he's high-strong and frantic with sexual frustration and...I don't know...beats somebody up in parking lot somewhere he'll be ordered counseling sessions on how to channel his sexual energy via masturbation, a.k.a auto- or self-handjobs for which one does not pay oneself.

Meanwhile, David--the man with the velvet voice--is thanking his fans for standing by him during this difficult time.

"David is busy preparing for his upcoming tour with Demi Lovato," his rep said in a statement. "He thanks his fans for their continued support."

Jeff Archuleta was famously accused of disrupting production on American Idol in 2008. He was even banned backstage after pressuring David to alter his "Stand By Me" performance by adding a verse from the Sean Kingston tune "Beautiful Girls." Jeff had ignored the producers' objections, creating problems with the song's publisher.

You see? That man really needs to get laid...or blown...or both...massage table or not.

Source: US magazine, E!, Extra, My Twisted Mind
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